I’m not proud of what I’m going to admit here. No, this isn’t a good thing. But, as I like to say, there are no such thing as guilty pleasures because if something brings you pleasure, you should not feel guilty about it.
(Unless what brings you pleasure is, like, setting off bombs in Port-o-Johns while they’re being used. That’s not cool.)
But, if I may get real for a moment: I am loving what’s on the radio this summer. And if by loving the summer of 2012’s soundtrack means I am outing myself as a 14-year-old girl, then so be it.
To qualify as a Song of Summer, the following critieria must be met:
- Is there a 95 percent chance this song will be on the radio if you turn it on rightnow? Is there a 25 percent chance the song is playing on two stations at one time? Is there a high likelihood that you will find those two stations, and then flip back and forth incessantly for absolutely no discernible reason?
- Is there a 4 percent chance someone will care about this song three years from now? Because the Summer Soundtrack? It has to be disposable. Which is why favorites like “Somebody That I Used To know” and “We Are Young” did not make the list. Because yes, I love them dearly, but they matter. A decade from now, radio stations will still play them.
- Do you know every word?
- Is this song good when you sing it in the shower, better when you sing it in the car and best when it’s sung when the car is full and the windows are down and the volume is up?
Instead of ordering these from favorite to favoriter to favoritest, I’m ordering them in order of “This is embarrassing” to “I cannot believe I admitted this in a public forum, examine my head.”
4. “Payphone,” Maroon 5 with Wiz Khalifa — OK, if I’m being honest, this doesn’t embarrass me at all. This song is badass. The video is weird.
3. “What Makes You Beautiful,” One Direction — This really could fall in spot No. 3, 2 or 1. What makes it the least embarrassing of the top three is that when I heard this song for the first time on SNL, I was floored at how talented this boy band seemed. Go figure.
2. “Call Me Maybe,” Carly Rae Jepsen — I know, this song is terrible, right? Except if I do this — “Hey, I just met you …” — you probably are going “… and this is crazy.” Don’t lie, you know you did. Besides, the video is hilarious. Which leaves the clear top spot to …
1. “Boyfriend,” Justin Bieber — Oh GAWD ((buries face in hands and runs away))