I will not let me turn into a worry wart

16 May

I woke up this morning after spending all night dreaming that people were trying to kill me.

First it was a group of guys I somehow outran and hid from under a tarp that my aunt leaned while talking to the folks trying to get me. Eventually, I ended up in a three-story school running from a girl chasing me with a knife. I locked myself in a room with an old-school skeleton key, but she got at me anyway. She cut me on the wrist, deeply, but it didn’t hurt.

Naturally, I looked up the meaning of this. Apparently, being chased means someone or something is making me feel threatened, and this person or thing I find threatening likely resembles the thing that was trying to kill me.

On the surface, this is silly. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. There are some things in my life I’d change, but things have started to happen where I know those changes will be made sooner rather than later. And there isn’t anyone around who is making me feel threatened.

There is, however, an interesting new ick-factor happening all up in Jaclyn’s head. Since the beau and I started to talk seriously about getting engaged a few months ago, and since actually getting engaged a week and a half ago, I’ve found myself thinking lots of bad thoughts.

Jeff is 10 years older than I am. He’s already been informed that he is not allowed to die young and should really strive to live to an age that is 10 years older than I live. But I’m thinking all morbid, like what happens when something happens? Chances are, nothing will happen for another, like, 40-plus years. But what if he hits a deer in his car, and the deer’s antler goes through the windshield and impales his head next week? What if he slips in the shower and his face goes through the glass shower door tomorrow? What if he accidentally sticks his leg in a light socket later today?

I’m not much of a worry wart. I’ve never saw the point, especially in worrying over things I have no control over. But after 2 1/2 years with someone, to be falling in love more every day … to finally put a face to that old man I’ll wake up next to in 30 years … to try to imagine life without that man … Damn, it fucking sucks.

To quote “Cinderella,” with a slightly different emphasis: So this is love?

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6 Responses to “I will not let me turn into a worry wart”

  1. Robyn Davis Sekula (@itsRobynwithay) May 16, 2012 at 11:58 am #

    The fact that you feel as deeply as you do that you don’t want to live without him is a great sign that you’re supposed to be together. Go for it. Dreams are also about the primary emotion you experienced. How did you feel when you woke up? Were you happy that you escaped? Were you still feeling the terror? It’s interesting to me that the cut didn’t hurt you.

    • Jaclyn May 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

      When I woke up, I just felt _off_. Like, “Ugh, that dream was gross!”

  2. Ally May 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    Isn’t it awful that true love can bring those thoughts into your head? But I know what you mean. When you love so deeply that you start imagining a future waaay out there, you suddenly want to hold on tight so that nothing threatens that future.

  3. triciaraisinghumans May 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

    I hate dreams like that! Such an icky way to start a day with so many icky thoughts. Hang in there, love has parts like these for sure, but it has so many lovely parts too.

  4. Carolyn Y May 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    Oh dreams like that are no fun.
    Hope you don’t have another one like that ever again!

  5. Shell Things (@shellthings) May 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm #

    I hope that it’s not something you have to worry about!

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