My issues with caffeine

1 Sep

In the short list of Things About Jaclyn, you will undoubtedly find “loves Coke.” It’s ingrained in me. Like Pavlov’s dog, I drool with I hear a can of Coke tsssshhhh open. One of my favorite feelings in the world is that ice cold crack … erm, liquid … traveling down my esophagus.

Oh, God. Look at it glisten. It's like porn, but better.

That being said, I don’t drink it every day. Now, when I’m out and the refills are free, I’m not to be held responsible for how much I drink. But again, definitely not a daily thing.

Now consider my relatively recent affinity for coffee. I enjoy a cup in the morning, but it is by no means, again, a daily thing.

Which means, between the coffee and the Coke, I usually have one or the other in a day. Sometimes, I have both. Sometimes, I have neither.

And this, my friend, is where Ohsunofabitch comes in.

Ohsunofabitch is this headache that starts to tingle around 6 p.m. By 7 p.m., I’m looking for Tylenol. By 9 p.m., I want to stab lights, television, anything with small print and my poor boyfriend in the arm with a rusted blade.

It would appear that I have a slight addiction, and this pisses the hell out of me. I don’t OD, but dammit; if my body is deprived of that sweet shit for 24 hours, it goes all batshit crazy on itself.

Which makes me want to punish it. “You think you can get what you want just because you give me a headache that makes me ponder television-icide? I’ll show you. Just for that, I refuse to give you caffeine for a WEEK. How do you like that, bitch?”

I imagine the conversation between my brain and itself would look kind of like Ed Norton’s narrator when he realizes that Tyler Durden doesn’t exist, and he’s left punching himself in the face and burning his own hand into a blistery pulp.

Which leaves me at a loss. I have absolutely no interest in cutting coffee and especially Coke from my diet, but I really don’t like the idea of my body being so dependent on something that it throws a tantrum toddler-style when it is denied the nectar. My idea is that I drink each in moderation, which has worked in the past. Unfortunately, this particular headache has been a persistent bugger, stopping by to say “Heeeeeeeere’s Johnny!” nearly every night this week.

So what’s the right answer??? Moderation? Telling caffeine “It’s not me, it’s you”? Or just sucking it up and owning that addiction like millions of other over-caffeinated Americans? Somebody boss me around!

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3 Responses to “My issues with caffeine”

  1. Ally September 1, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

    Sigh. I fought it for a while. But eventually the coffee won out. I just accept the addiction, though I admit it still nags at the back of my head sometimes.

  2. Marina September 2, 2011 at 7:25 am #

    Well, I would choose only coke..Coffee go away!

  3. Sara September 2, 2011 at 4:00 pm #

    I moderated. I can live without Coke. I only have it on special occasions, like when I can get a nice Cherry Coke from the fountain at the movie theatre. My vice is iced tea. I freaking love it. So. I said, “Self. You can stop at Starbucks before work and get a big stinking iced tea. And then you have to drink water the rest of the day.” Took a while, but my body is used to it and it’s working out for me!

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