I’m telling all! Please don’t judge me …

17 Aug

(Note: This disclaimer goes against everything I believe in, but I feel it’s necessary: This post is NOT speaking toward any particular blog. As I write it, I don’t even have a blog in mind. It’s just a phenomenon I’ve run across.

Often.)

I’ve seen a number of these Tell All link-ups out there, and I’ve never really given them a second thought. I definitely appreciate the benefits of getting something off your chest, but I either a) vent to a friend when I need to or b) don’t feel something quite qualifies for these link-ups.

See, to me, these posts imply an inherent … shame. Like, “Oh, my gosh, I cannot believe that I feel this way, tell me I’m not alone!!” I have deep admiration for the bloggers who put themselves out there like that.

I have never been one of them because it’s pretty hard to shame me. I love what I love without apologies. I feel what I feel without guilt. This is me, and I’m all right. (How Stuart Smalley of me.)

However, recently, I have been feeling something that sort of shames me a little bit. It worries me. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m not smart enough.

And here it is: Sometimes, other bloggers make me feel badly about myself.

It’s probably due in part to the blogs I’m attracted to. I, in case you hadn’t realized, make jewelry. I love to be creative, and I love to create. As such, many of the blogs I read are creative. They’re lovely.

And, often, they’re written by people who quit the 9-to-5 world to do What They Love All. The. Time.

Talk about living the dream, right?

Sometimes, when I read these amazing blogs written by these amazing people who can do what they love in lieu of a 9-to-5, I feel like a failure. Like my jewelry will never be to the point where it can sustain me. That I’m a Fake. That since they Made It, they’re better than I am.

But then I have a little pep talk with myself. Yes, I have a 9-to-5, and you know what? I like my job. I’m a features reporter. I get to talk to someone new every day if I want. Or if I don’t feel like being social, I get to sit at my desk and write all day. I get to come up with my own story ideas, assign my own photos and cover assignments that often make me think, “This is work?”

For my job, I have spent an overnighter in Amish country, seeing how an Old Order Amish woman’s day works when she has eight kids. One of those kids, upon meeting me, threw a tomato at me and hit me on the ass. (Nice aiming, Ben.) I have been turned to by an editor who said, “Will you localize this wire story?” To do this, I went to a local Mexican shop and ate four of their dozens of ice pops to write about what they tasted like. I’ve been at a graveside birthday party for a little girl who didn’t live to see her fourth birthday, and I’ve sobbed in my car after. I’ve worked a carnival game at a fair, showed my “portfolio” to a modeling agency that told me I have vagina ear and hot dog neck, and helped a young woman who couldn’t otherwise afford a prom dress pick three out so my paper’s readers could choose what she’d wear.

I’ve been thanked, yelled at, appreciated, loathed, questioned and apologized to. I’ve been told to never quit what I’m doing, and I’ve been told I should probably move because I don’t really belong here.

None of that happened because of the jewelry I make. No, that jewelry  helps me stay at this job I so enjoy — secondary income is your friend, especially when your 9-to-5 is in a dying industry. Of course the daily grind can get to me, but I haven’t woken up and dreaded coming into work for more than three years. I’ve never not had insurance. I’ve never not known how much I was making on payday. When I get sick, I still get paid.

I write for a newspaper, and who knows if it will exist next year, or in five? And if I find myself without a job, without an industry, will I try to amp up the jewelry sales? You bet your ass I will, and I will be grateful that I’m lucky enough to have found not one but two passions in my life: I’m a story-teller, and I’m a gal who makes jewelry.

So sometimes, I admit, I feel very “La-de-frickin’-da that you were able to quit your shitty job and be a Creating Goddess for your life.” Ain’t the green-eyed monster a bitch?

In truth, and most of the time, I’m happy for you. But in truth, some of the time, I feel like my face is being rubbed in me not being good enough to do the same. Doesn’t matter if that’s not your intent — that’s what it feels like.

Intent, unfortunately, doesn’t always match up with reality.

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11 Responses to “I’m telling all! Please don’t judge me …”

  1. Lady Jennie August 17, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    I had to stop by after reading your comment at Shell’s. It’s good if you can avoid feeling shame most of the time (and even this post sounds like you don’t suffer too much from low self esteem), but then sometimes doubts can get the best of us. 🙂 It’s great you get to do what you love – both from 9-5 and afterwards.

  2. Joyce August 17, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    Aw, honey…it’s tough being a creative, isn’t it…you’re fantastic and should look at it this way: You can do BOTH and not have to sacrifice your passion for either. The fact you love your 9-to-5 means you don’t have to give up a shitty job, even if you might have to fret about the dying industry.

  3. marcy August 17, 2011 at 10:42 am #

    A-friggin-men!

  4. Suburban Sweetheart August 17, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

    Ah, I love this post. You know what? Loving a hobby that you can’t work on full-time does not make that hobby any less valid. And frankly? If I were able to do my hobbies all the time – watching TV, eating out, even blogging – I think they might lose their luster. I like what I do, & I’m proud of my full-time work; I think it’s important. So I’ll do what I love on the side & make it count, give it as much time as I can. You have a successful small business AND a full-time job – how can you possibly say you haven’t Made It? You’re doing double duty!

  5. Helene August 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    And here I sit completely jealous that you get to write and report for a living…LOL! I have to say I completely admire that you’re able to have a little side business doing something that you love and that you’re passionate about….putting your creative side to good use, in addition to the job you do 9-5.

    On that note, I get what you’re saying here. There are other blogs I read out there which make me feel like I’m not doing enough to get my own writing out there where it needs to be in order to “make it as a writer”. It seems like there are always bloggers who are two steps ahead of me.

    But you know what, our time will come. Don’t you worry about that. If we love what we do enough, it’ll happen for the both of us!

    Stopping by from Shell’s!

  6. KLZ August 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm #

    Dude, I for one am super jealous that you love your job.

    The green eyes monster gets us all sometimes.

  7. randomblogette August 17, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    There is nothing wrong with feeling that way! I am jealous of your job! I sit at a desk all day working with computer guys and trying to understand what the hell they are talking about. I want to write one day. That is my ultimate goal and you are living my dream! ❤

  8. Ally August 17, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

    Sigh. However it happened, I’m so glad I found you and your jewelry and your blog. You just ooze confidence and a love of life. I love it.

  9. mamamash August 17, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    I love that you’re a reporter, and a features reporter at that. It’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still read the Sunday paper, something my friends make fun of. I will be devastated when and if printed news goes by the wayside.

    I think we all get a little green when we see someone else who is really successful at what they do when it’s something we want to do well. If we take that envy to a place where it pushes us to do better, we often do.

    But keep in mind, you’re living someone else’s dream at the same time you’re envying anothers!

  10. Shell Things (@shellthings) August 18, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    Oh girl. Your 9-5 job? Makes ME jealous. B/c how awesome is that!!!!

    We all have to decide what we want to do and how we define success.

    I’m glad you joined in! 🙂

  11. Megan Frock August 25, 2011 at 3:55 am #

    Aw your post makes me sad! I love your jewlery! I’m glad you put it out there though! Sometimes other bloggers make me feel poopy too! I see how great their blogs are and think why do I even bother, no one will read my blog when there are so many better ones out there! But, I blog because I love it and like you I create because I love it too!

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